Should Have Said No
by Court819
Summary: Set immediately after the events of "Homecoming," a moment of weakness forces Xander to come clean about his discretion. The fallout from his confession is told through alternating viewpoints. Please read and review!


_Disclaimer: I don't own any of the BtVS characters and "Should've Said No" belongs to Taylor Swift._

**Should've Said No**

_You say, that you'd take it all back,  
Given one chance, it was a moment of weakness,  
And you said yes  
You should've said no,  
You should've gone home,  
You should have thought twice before you let it all go.  
You should've known that word 'bout what you did with her'd, get back to me.  
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind,  
Shouldn't be asking myself why,  
You shouldn't be begging for forgiv'ness at my feet,  
You should've said no  
Baby and you might still have me._

_**Part I**_

I rolled my eyes in disgust and turned to walk out of the gym as one bimbo or the other continued to ramble mindless drivel from her Homecoming Queen acceptance speech. Were they kidding? I noticed Buffy was walking beside me, following the same path through the crowd out into the hallway. I pretended not to see her and slumped against a locker and crossed my already starting-to-bruise arms against my chest. Ugh. A quick glance over at the Slayer showed a bump just above her left eye. _Good_, I thought. _It's her fault I nearly died tonight. More than once. And it's her fault I missed the dance. And it's probably her fault I lost Homecoming Queen._

All in all, the evening had not turned out as I had hoped.

"What a waste of a night," I grumbled, to no one in particular. Buffy rubbed her temple and sighed.

"Sorry to inconvenience you, Cordelia."

"Well if some people hadn't taken it upon themselves to change the plans at the last minute, it _would_ have been Faith in the limo with you, and I would have at least had the chance to campaign up until the voting." Buffy sighed again.

"I wasn't the one who changed things. That was Xander and Willow's call."

"And it was a stupid one." I pointed out.

"What was a stupid one?" Xander had suddenly materialized next to Buffy. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"The oh-so-brilliant idea to leave Buffy and me alone in that limo," I sniped. "I'm sure Willow was trying to be her usual do-gooder self, but c'mon Xander. You know me better than that. Did you not think Buffy and I wouldn't have fought it out?"

"A guy can hope, can't he?" Xander smirked. I narrowed my gaze at him. He saw the fire crackle in my eyes, and I knew he knew it was best to back off.

"Well, as much fun as it would be to stand around and listen to your bizarre idea of foreplay, I had my fill of Slayer Fest-cum-Homecoming, and my bed is calling my name," Buffy announced. "I'm glad we're both okay, Cordelia," she added. Gag me, there she went again, aiming to be the bigger person. It wasn't going to work. I managed a wan smile.

"I'm glad I'm okay too." I saw Buffy shake her head ever so slightly before turning to walk off down the hall.

"Night Buff," Xander called to Buffy's retreating form. I lifted my back off the locker, noticing the dull aches already starting to course through my body and crossed to stand next to Xander.

"How does she think she's getting home?" I asked. Xander shrugged.

"No clue."

"How am I getting home?"

"There's this homeless guy who sometimes leaves his shopping cart outside the cafeteria. I think you'll fit," Xander quipped. Another fleck sparked in my eyes, and Xander's own eyes immediately showed regret for the joke. "I'm sorry Cordy," he started, his voice suddenly more tender. "I know you've been through a lot tonight. And you still manage to look incredible…in spite of the dirt staining your cheeks," he paused, pressing his thumbs lightly against my skin and rubbing gently. I smiled weakly. Xander's touch never ceased to make me smile. "And the random leaves adorning your hair," he continued, plucking one from just behind my left ear. "Oh, and don't forget the noticeable bruises forming on your forearms. You're beautiful Cor," he whispered, leaning down to kiss me softly. His lips danced over mine for merely a second, and he smiled, brushing a stray lock of hair off my forehead.

"So when we sent the limo for you and Buffy, we came in Oz's van. We all figured the limo could at least get you, me and Buffy home. Or at least drop Buffy off so we could be alone. So, um, yeah. I guess we're kind of gonna have to go talk to Oz." I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. Great. I was supposed to be enjoying a romantic ride home with my boyfriend, and now we were stranded. I sighed, exasperated, and immediately cringed at the sharp pain underneath my ribcage.

"Something hurt?" Xander asked gently. I nodded.

"Everything hurts," I replied. "I need a hot shower and a bed."

"I'd like to help with that," he murmured, sliding an arm around my waist. Leave it to Xander to turn anything into sexual innuendo. I leaned my head against his shoulder and sighed again.

"I know we had…bigger plans for tonight, Xander, but my body feels like it's going to break into a hundred pieces and I really just want to go home." I glanced up at him and saw disappointment clouding his warm brown eyes. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Xander kissed the crown of my head.

"I'll go talk to Oz." He released me, and I watched him reenter the gym, disappearing among the swaying bodies. I leaned back against the locker, feeling my aching body might not support me much longer. I closed my eyes and replayed the whole horrible night in my mind.

Now it's pretty much fact that my life is in permanent danger living in Sunnydale, but until a few hours ago, I hadn't truly feared imminent death. In that ramshackle cabin in the middle of the woods, I had.

"_We should be safe in here for awhile. You need to find a weapon," Buffy ordered._

"_Safe? I'm not safe. I'm gonna die!" I cried, watching Buffy attempt to close the shutters of the dilapidated window. The rotting piece of wood fell past Buffy's hand and clattered to the floor. I gasped for another breath._

"_Yeah you are if you just stand there," she retorted, drawing the drapes across the gaping window before crossing to repeat the process with the other windows. My heart was pounding, and I fought back tears._

"_I'm never gonna be crowned Homecoming Queen. I'm never gonna graduate from high school. I'm never gonna know if it's real between me and Xander…or if it's just some temporary insanity that made me think," I took another shaky breath. "…I loved him. And now I'm never gonna get the chance to tell him." _

I sighed. I had said the words. The words that had been dancing in my head for the better part of the past few months, taunting me and teasing me, forcing me to ask myself on a daily basis if I really meant them.

No one had heard me make the silent promise in that cabin. Sure, Buffy had heard the words spoken out loud, words that easily could have been construed as uttered in the face of mortal danger. Words that I knew were true.

I was in love with Xander Harris.

And I had sworn to myself if I made it out of the evening's events alive, I would tell him.

Six hours ago, the anticipation of Homecoming Night had had my heart alight with excitement and my stomach a ball of nerves. Not only was I reasonably confident that I was going to be crowned queen at the dance, I knew Xander had planned a pretty romantic after-party for two, as far as his budget permitted anyway. I also knew that without either of us saying it, there was a better-than-good chance that we were going to have sex.

Xander was a virgin, and I might as well have been one too. The one time I had actually slept with a guy was hardly the wonderful experience you'd expect for your first time. I cringe to even think back to the whole stereotypical scenario, the football player deflowering the cheerleader under the bleachers, but yeah, that was it, my first and only time to date. And it had been awful. I really hadn't liked Mitch that much, but when you're a sophomore looking to cement your social standing and the starting cornerback who happens to be a senior asks you out, you go out. And you do stuff.

Xander and I had done our fair share of fooling around, mostly up at the Point in my car, since his house usually wasn't empty and my house was almost always out of the question. My parents were never around, but our nosy maid Lucy had a big mouth, and she saw and heard everything. I once had to slip her a hundred bucks to make sure she didn't tell Daddy what she heard one night when Xander and I thought she had gone home and we had been having a little too much fun in the hot tub.

Where was I? Oh the sex. Right. I was pretty sure that was how the evening was supposed to have ended. But I was also pretty sure that my body couldn't take much more, whether it was pleasure or pain.

"Okay, you want the bad news, or the bad news?" Xander suddenly rematerialized, dragging a hand through his hair. I groaned.

"I can't take bad news Xander." He smiled halfheartedly.

"Well the bad news is Oz isn't really down with driving us home. Seems Willow wants to stick around a bit longer. And the other bad news is I had to call a cab." He reached out and stroked my cheek. "Hardly the chariot that Queen C is used to."

"It's a ride home," I replied with a weak smile. "Thanks Xander."

"It should be here in a few minutes. Let's go wait out front?" He wrapped his arm around my waist, and we began the walk down the hall to the main entrance. I think he knew I didn't feel much like talking, so when we reached the steps, we sat in silence, my head on his shoulder, his right hand lightly caressing my back until the faint glow of headlights gleamed in the distance.

"Your coach milady," Xander gestured, moving his arm in an exaggerated grandiose wave as he stood, gently pulling me to my own feet. The taxi lurched to a stop in front of us. I was too tired to care or complain. Xander opened the door, and I carefully slid across and got myself settled. He climbed in next to me and gave the driver my address.

"You still want me to stay over?" he murmured softly, drawing me close to him. My parents were, surprise surprise, out of town, though not with each other. I wasn't supposed to know that, but it's amazing what your ears can hear when you're sneaking in the house at quarter after twelve. My father, I knew, was in San Francisco working on some business deal, and my mother was in Cabo. With her latest fling. Who was our pool boy. And was only a few years older than me. Gross.

With me out of the house for the evening, nosy Lucy would have gone home by seven. So Xander would have been in the clear til at least eight the next morning. Lucy never showed before eight if my parents were out of town. I considered Xander's question. Having him in my bed would be both a temptation and yet, a comfort. Damn Buffy Summers. Nearly dying was messing with my head.

"Cor?"

"Hmm?" I snapped out of my reverie, looking up to meet his eyes. They twinkled for a moment as his lips descended to capture mine. God I loved kissing him. His mouth searched mine eagerly, and I inched closer to him, his hands moving up my back to tangle in my hair. I traced my tongue along the edges of his lips, and he immediately darted his own tongue out to meet mine. Suddenly I wasn't feeling so weak anymore.

I took advantage of the deepening kiss to throw my right leg over Xander's lap and straddle him. He groaned and clutched me tighter to him, gripping my waist and teasing me with his tongue. I smiled to myself as I felt the evidence of his arousal beneath me.

"Xander, I love you," I whispered.

Oh God. Oh God. What the hell did I just do?

Xander's hands froze halfway between my waist and my breasts, and his mouth wrested away from mine, his eyes locked on me. We were both breathing hard, but that was the only sound for a good ten seconds.

"What did you say?" he asked softly. Dammit, my brain cursed my mouth. And then I cursed Buffy. Cause again, it was her fault I was feeling so vulnerable tonight. I shook my head, feeling my body trembling as I shifted off of Xander. "Cordelia, what did you just say?" I drew in a shaky breath and met his eyes once more.

"I said I love you," I repeated in a voice barely audible to human ears. Several more seconds of silence passed between us and then the words just started pouring out of me. It was like a crack in a dam that just couldn't hold out any longer.

"Xander, I almost died tonight. And standing there in that cabin with stupid cowboy vampires and scaly knives-for-arms demons and creepy German assassins gunning for me because they actually mistook me for that sk…for, uh, Faith," I caught myself. . "Well, the whole time I was stuck in that cabin, cursing Buffy and waiting to die, I was thinking of you." I paused to take another breath. "And the thought of not seeing you again, not seeing your smile, or hearing you call me Cordy, or feeling your lips on mine…" I felt the hot pricks at the corner of my eyes, and I blinked twice. Hell, no, I was not going to cry. There were still some things Cordelia Chase would never do in front of _anyone_. I did not cry.

Xander was sitting quietly, and I desperately wished I could read his mind at that moment.

"I love you Xander," I murmured once more. "I think I've known it for some time, and I know I know it tonight." Still, he sat in silence, not meeting my eyes. "Xander, say something, please." I reached out and took his hands in mine, finding them sweaty, almost clammy.

"I kissed Willow," he blurted out.

And that's when I wished I _had _died in that cabin. Scaly demon thing might as well have removed the blades from his arms and stabbed them right into my heart. That probably would have hurt less. My chest constricted, a lump began forming in my throat, and I let go of Xander's hands as if they had suddenly burst into flames. I slid across the seat to put as much space between him and me as I could, my body crunched up against the door frame.

"Cordelia, I…" he began stammering.

"I heard you Xander," I said coldly, swallowing hard to keep the lump from rising in my throat, fighting the tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks. _This is what I get for giving in to my feelings. This is what I get for being honest. _

_God, why does it hurt so much? _I leaned forward, gripping the passenger side head rest tightly, my nails digging into the worn leather. "Stop the car, please," I ordered the driver. He turned his head slightly and gave me a puzzled look.

"You say something miss?"

"Cordelia," Xander interrupted in protest.

"I asked you to stop the car," I repeated loudly and firmly, keeping my voice as steady as I could manage. I heard the blinker click twice and felt the car veer slightly to the right as the cabbie pulled the car onto the shoulder of the road. I reached for the door handle.

"Cordelia, don't. Please. We need to talk," Xander begged. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him. His expression was a mix of what I would guess was fear and regret. Too late for that.

"You kissed Willow. There's nothing else to say," I replied. He reached for my arm, and I shook loose from his grip, shooting him an icy glare. "Don't touch me," I hissed. I knew the kind of person Xander was, and I knew the guilt was eating him alive as he sat there, watching me. I knew there were things I wanted to ask…_when did you kiss her? Why did you kiss her? Did you even think of me when you did it? _There were things I wanted him to say, things that should be said. But I also knew if I didn't get out of that car right then and there that I was going to lose it, and I would _not_ give Xander Harris the satisfaction of just how deeply he had hurt me with those three words. Not the three words I had uttered, the ones I had expected to hear in return.

Not "I love you."

Instead, "I kissed Willow."

My fingers found the handle and managed to open the door. I gathered my dress in my hands and raised myself off the seat, hearing the crunch of the gravel under my heels as I exited the cab.

"Cordy," he pleaded, his eyes meeting mine one last desperate time before I shook my head and slammed the door. A quick glance around gave me my bearings, and I began walking at a brisk pace away from the idling taxi.

Part of me was waiting for Xander to jump from the cab, to follow me and to beg for forgiveness on his knees here on the side of the road. The other part of me knew better. Sure enough, within seconds, I heard the taxi's tires squealing and felt it whiz past me as it merged back onto the road. I followed the red glow of the taillights as they faded in the distance, noticing the cab turned left further up the road, no doubt backtracking to take Xander to his address instead of our intended destination.

That's when I finally allowed the tears to fall, bitterly stinging my cheeks as they slid down towards my chin while I started the walk to my house. Alone.

**---------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Author's Note**: So…I'm in my nostalgic Buffy phase, and I've been revisiting a lot of the Season 2 and 3 eps. This idea had come to me awhile ago, and I finally got it down. I have four parts planned so far, one from each corner of the "quadrangle" of "Lover's Walk," and the story obviously attempts to head that debacle off before it happens. Part II is Xander's POV and it's nearly done, so if you want it, click that button and review! Thanks for reading.


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